SexDrive
Welcome to SexDrive! Whatever your sexual preference or gender is, please remember everyone in the free world has a right to be what they want to be without fear or recrimination. Be kind to everyone especially if they hold a different viewpoint. What makes this world so interesting is diversity. SexDrive covers many aspects - click on a heading below and see a summary, and if you're interested you can go and read more about it!
Here are some initial thoughts about sex. GO!
One aspect of sex is that it can lead to a lasting relationship. This section explores what good relationships look like. GO!
However well a relationship starts, it’s possible that at some point it will go wrong. See how and why. GO!
There is a difference between the act of sex and making love – one is purely physical while the other has more emotional attachment. Explore this further. GO!
Sometimes a bit of fantasy can spice up sex (50 Shades of Grey!), but it’s easy for this to go too far. See some interesting facts and alarming detail about pornography and other sexual adventure. GO!
More people are now looking to find their partner through dating sites than via face to face meetings – does this work, and what should you be careful of? GO!
There seems to be an ever increasing number of genders- what used to be fairly simple has changed completely. Who is driving this change, and how can you keep abreast of it? GO!
Sex and sexuality can cause some real problems, for mental and physical health, such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and just growing older problems – see more on this GO!
As the newness of your relationship wears off and the excitement starts to fade, the relationship can feel like it’s growing stale. You aren’t forced to remain in a dull and boring relationship, however. There are some steps you can take to keep a mature relationship fresh and exciting. GO!
If you’re a visitor to our site you can join and download information, assess your own health and create your own action plans, and even contribute to our site. GO!
See what you can do next. GO!
We have some additional information and stuff on this subject. GO!
Some Initial Thoughts About Sex
The act of sex
Humans have a natural instinct to have sex and there are many reasons for this. The body craves for the chemicals and emotions that sex and intimacy bring. The feeling before, during and after everyone needs and wants but increasingly it is coming under pressure from lifestyle. Sex is also very good for our health.
A good sex life is good for your heart. Besides being a great way to raise your heart rate, sex helps keep your oestrogen and testosterone levels in balance. “When either one of those is low you begin to get lots of problems, like osteoporosis and even heart disease,” MayoClinic says. Having sex more often may help.
Is your lifestyle affecting your love life?
If you are suffering with lifestyle issues and it is impacting on your love life then SexDrive is a good read for you. We use the term love life because it’s not just about the physical elements of sex but also the emotional elements of loving. When stress, anxiety or depression starts it can affect how we behave lovingly to others in our family and partners regardless of gender.
Some of the statistics will surprise you and some of the issues people are suffering you may well be suffering from. You may consider you don’t have a problem in which case you may want to learn something new about how to improve your sex life.
SexDrive looks at some of the myths and statistics that may surprise and also looks at the gender explosion.
Facts About Sex
between 18 and 25% are in a committed relationship while using the dating app
It turns out that in general men cheat on their partner a little more often than women. Research shows that about 33% of the men have cheated, and 28% of the women have.
is the average total length of sex (foreplay + intercourse)
About a quarter of Brits have had sex in the last week (YouGov poll)
aged 16-19 first had sexual intercourse before the age of 16
aged 16-19 first had sexual intercourse before the age of 16
of men reported having masturbated in the previous four weeks. Rates decline with age, particularly for men, and are higher in those with no current partner. [Natsal]
of women reported having masturbated in the previous four weeks. Rates decline with age, particularly for men, and are higher in those with no current partner. [Natsal]
Good relationships
Firstly, sex and good relationships don’t always go hand in hand. Some people have great relationships but are not overly sexual. Each person has a different sex drive to the next and when we first embark on a relationship this can be misleading. The first 12 months to 2 years might be classified as the honeymoon period and then after that it settles down. This is often when problems start to occur because the normal sex drive patterns then start to work. Work life, lifestyle and health are also added into the mix to sometimes cloud the issue.
Various aspects of this are covered in the tabs below
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
Only a third (34%) of UK adults are satisfied with their sex life [Natsal]
The difficult element to statistics and statements is what is normal? and what does good look like? You may be a person who is totally contented with your life, good job, financially stable and have a partner in the same position. You are in love, your sex appetite is well balanced and you both want sex infrequently, that’s perfect, why be pressured by norms as long as both parties are happy and contented.
But many relationships finish very quickly
- Young adults in their 20s have relationships that can last up to four years or slightly longer.
- The average woman will kiss 15 men, enjoy two long-term relationships and have her heartbroken twice before she meets ‘The One’, a study has revealed.
- The biggest difference between men and women lies in the number of sexual partners – with men having ten in their lifetime, compared to an average of seven for women.
Do we focus too much on superficial things rather than detail?
Is it the fact that when we choose a partner we often rush in, concentrating on superficial things rather the detail? Do we really know what we want from a partner? We ideally need a shopping list of requirements when we go on a date, obviously that won’t happen but do we learn from our mistakes?
Do we learn from our mistakes?
Well, you would think so but we don’t. Look at the majority of dating websites, you see one photo and swipe left or right. You are given the scantest of information and asked to make a decision. Dating websites are now the main way people find a relationship. A recent survey by SurveyMonkey found that:
• 75% of young adults (18-24 years old) use Tinder, an app known for hookups. Bumble, a dating app that gives women sole power of initiating conversations, is at a distant second (31%)
• Adults between 25-34 years old begin to transition to Match.com (36%)—the top dating site for creating serious, long-term relationships
• 58% of older adults (45-54 years old) embrace Match.com, more than doubling the percent who use Tinder
• There are mixed reviews by users positive and negative as to the benefits of Online Dating Sites.
Dating websites have become the new norm for finding a relationship or sexual partner. Tinder is owned by IAC which also owns Match.com and Cupid.com Lets just look how big Tinder has become for humans searching for love;
• 57 million Tinder users around the world
• Tinder is used in 190 countries, and is available in 40 languages
• Tinder was processing one billion swipes per day by late 2014, that has now risen to 1.6 billion
• Tinder users go on one million dates per week
• Active Tinder users log in on average four times a day
• 95% of Tinder users meet their matches within a week (compared to 25% of online daters overall, and 15% of offline daters)
• Female Tinder users are more careful in their approach, with 91% reporting that they only liked profiles that they actually felt attracted to (compared to 72% of men)
• 35% of men report casually liking most Tinder profiles (with some overlap with the above)
• For men, the median time between getting a match and messaging stands at 2 minutes (63% of men message a match within 5 minutes), while the equivalent for females is 38 minutes (only 18% message within 5 minutes)
• The average Tinder message sent by a man to a woman is 12 characters long, while the other way around, the average is 122
• Tinder revenue stood at $1.15 billion in 2019; 56% of total Match Group revenue of $2.05 billion
• Tinder is estimated to be worth $10 billion
Interestingly this makes the point that people rush to date and don’t really take the time out to try to understand what their perfect partner will be. Some people say: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince”, but does it have to be that way? What if we were more patient and took our time to pick and choose based upon our preferences.
Most certainly evidence does point to the fact that the older we get the longer the list becomes. We have lived and loved and finally realised what we like or don’t like. But is that fool proof? Of course not because we then have the veneer.
Humans all have this veneer or facade that is an image we want to portray. We have all heard people say: “We were fine until we moved in together and then they completely changed”. Or as the saying goes: we don’t really know someone until the door is bolted.
We also hear quite a lot: “The trouble with me is I always pick the wrong person”. Is this because they are quite superficial in their thinking and preferences and go for looks or personality, and when the honeymoon is over they are left with someone who they don’t really like.
As humans, whether it’s dating or normal life, we have a veneer. We put on an image of ourselves that we want to be, not necessarily what we are. An example of this is The X Factor in the early rounds when people come on stage and proclaim they can sing like a popstar and everyone watching thinks: “No you cannot, why are they so delusional?” Well the veneer factor is the same. Men and women when dating put on their best side. Experts are often asked how long does the veneer stay before people let their guard down. The answer is it could be hours to years. Some people haven’t the will power to keep up the pretence and very quickly let the real person come out. Whereas those who are good at acting out the part could spend years pretending to be a person they really aren’t, especially if that pretence bring lots of benefits and material gains.
Often, we are trying to choose a partner but do we really know ourselves?
In a series of surveys, organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% truly are. She cites three reasons for this disconnect:
• First, we naturally have blind spots. We’re wired to operate on autopilot, unaware of how we’re behaving and why.
• Second, there’s also the feel-good effect: we’re happier when we see ourselves in a more positive light.
• Third, the “cult of self,” the idea that we’ve become more self-absorbed as social media has exploded in popularity.
But the reality is we spend many years living life and we don’t really stop and think about conscious competence (see the PersonalityDrive) about knowing who we are. We never stop and think: “Why do I do that? Where did it come from?” about our habits, characteristics, etc.
If we are a person who sees the cup half empty then why choose a partner who sees the cup half full? If we are an ILOC [Internal locus of control] person and believe in taking control of our lives why do we go out with a good looking and sexy partner when they are an ELOC [External locus of control]? (See PersonalityDrive). Ultimately, after the honeymoon period it will come down to relationship and communication. When ILOCs speak the ELOCs hear something different. This will eventually lead to conflict and break-up.
Many people never consider that some people lead interesting lives because they get up and make it that way, whilst others are quite boring and do nothing other than go to work, come home, eat, watch TV for entertainment, go to bed and do it again the next day.
Some people, when dating, will be quite happy to mould themselves into someone else’s life and adjust their personality accordingly, but over time it can become too much of a chore to do, and they will revert to type and slip back into their comfort zone. The other person thinks this is great at first: “We’re like-minded people – great”. But they don’t look at the history of their new partner and question their motives. It’s usually after the honeymoon period that they realise things are not really right.
The past Is usually a good indicator of future patterns, but not always. Some people lead their lives in a certain way and could be restricted by their social environment and upbringing. Inside them is the urge to break free and change their lives but they may never have had the right opportunity. Then one day someone comes along with a positive hand and pulls them into a new environment of change.
We see this very often in work. Some people will start a new job or vocation and their family and friends see a massive change in character and behaviour. Sometimes it’s good and other times not so, but often it is the paradigm shift that is needed to ignite parts of your inner self. A new relationship can do exactly that.
We may have got into our teens and met someone quite superficially and started to live together, and very quickly the dominant personality takes over. The other partner usually gives in and moulds into that new way of life. That life might be boring and lack adventure and be stable and risk averse. It is not a horrid situation but deep down there are passions inside the partner that are suppressed until one day a paradigm shift occurs. It may be a change of job, meeting a stranger, a life changing event etc. This ignites those suppressed feelings and the real person blossoms.
This is when things can start to go wrong…
When Relationships Go Wrong
It's difficult to admit that a relationship that started out wonderfully has turned into something bad. When we enter a relationship, we’re often desperately in love and wearing rose-colored glasses, only seeing our partner’s good points and ignoring their faults. That’s why often our family and friends are better at predicting how things will go than we are.
If you're :
- feeling you don't have enough personal freedom
- noting that most of your interactions are negative ( John Gottman, the renowned couples researcher, is famously able to predict divorce with 90 percent accuracy by watching partners communicate with each other - couples should have at least 80 percent positive interactions)
- you wish you were home alone rather than with your partner
Then it might be time to end the relationship.
It's worth looking at each of these aspects in a bit more detail.
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
If we only had the strength of character to break free or say: “No, this is not what I want”. There are millions of people in this world living a life that they don’t want or like. Breaking free takes courage and a track of change to run on, but it’s always possible.
Today it’s less of an issue but years ago people married for far more basic reasons and were much more accepting of each other’s differences, even if they became extreme. In the 1900s to the 40s,50s,60s couples married not really knowing a great deal about their partner. They lived together till death us do part as the ceremony stated, through sickness and health. Sometimes a person’s behaviour was so bad that partners would only stay together for the sake of the children. Then one day something snaps, the children leave home as adults and that suffering partner makes a break for it. There are thousands of stories of mismatched couples spending the greater parts of their lives disliking each other, and what a sad state of affairs. Fortunately, today people no longer have to live like that and can leave and live alone with children in a happier world.
Marriage break-up is never a good thing especially when children are involved. But sadly, when adults break-up they seem to lose all sense of adultness and often start behaving like children, and they commence the bitter fight often involving children. Is a marriage break up a bad thing?
• Currently 42% of marriages end in divorce [ONS]
• Unreasonable behaviour was the most common reason for opposite-sex couples divorcing in 2018, with 51.9% of wives and 36.8% of husbands
Well, the answer is yes and no. If people rush into marriage based upon superficial preferences and the partner’s veneer is strong then why stay together for a lifetime in a marriage in which both partners are miserable? Even more so where children are concerned. Sadly, when relationships start to deteriorate bad emotions come out and adults rarely contain these bad feelings which ultimately pass onto children. So, is it better to have divorced parents living separately who are happy and children have two homes, happy parents, two sets of Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc? Or have two miserable individuals living in a toxic relationship which then passes onto children.
So today choosing the right partner isn’t easy, but if you are more aware of yourself and know what your preferences are, you’re more likely to choose wisely if you can check behind the veneer.
They were a perfect couple what went wrong?
Well, we have all heard this before but in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect model or relationship. From WW2 things have been changing and the reality is there is inequality in all relationships. Someone has to be the boss.
In the past typically men have been the dominant party in relationships. This has been driven by society and a social environment. Things started to change in the early 1900s and it’s been getting stronger and stronger ever since whereby women are taking a more dominant role, and rightly so. Many couples on the face of it look like they are the perfect match, but underneath there is often a dominant partner, and the level of submission determines the level of animosity. In the past women took a more maternal role and that was life then.
Thankfully from the 60s onwards we have seen a changing state. Today there is a more subtle difference in power sharing with people working together. Sadly many women who are in their 80s now have lived in the shadow of a man but endured it for the sake of children. Thankfully today that is no longer the case and women have greater protection, support and freedom.
Who’s in charge?
So, are the best relationships balanced or is it still better to have one dominant and one more submissive? There is no answer. Some people are happy to lead and others to follow. I guess it all depends on whether that relationship has a negative impact on either partner that causes mental health issues.
The reality is there isn’t a pattern for a perfect relationship
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or sex drive. It’s all down to individual choice and preference in life.
The famous quote:
“If I Were Your Wife I’d Put Poison in Your Tea!” “If I Were Your Husband I’d Drink It”
The lady who said that was Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill. She was a perfectly rounded women with opposing views to Churchill.
Some people prefer to live in a partnership of equality, pooling resources and skills to fight life’s battles. Whilst others prefer for someone to take a lead and play a more dominant role. I guess that all depends how strong the dominance is. For example, a changing of personality or character resulting in someone becoming depressed or unhappy is wrong, so it’s very much a balance.
Relationships are what you make them. Maybe today we want everything easy or quick and because we have a throw away culture, we can change the relationship if we don’t like it.
A toxic relationship is a relationship characterised by behaviours on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy.
A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, respect, and compassion, an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth, an ability to share control and decision-making. In short, a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure.
A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.
Here are some of the behaviours that may be found in a toxic partnership:
- Belittler
Someone who constantly belittles you. He or she will make fun of you, essentially implying that pretty much anything you say that expresses your ideas, beliefs, or wants is silly or stupid.
- The Passive Aggressive Bully
Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. Passive-aggressive people regularly resist requests or demands from family and other individuals often by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubborn. The Passive Aggressive will not be physically violent but will be verbally destructive.
- The Guilt Tripper
The Guilt Tripper controls by encouraging you to feel guilty any time you do something he or she doesn’t like.
- The Grinder
The Grinder will never let go of anything even the smallest of things. They will talk about it for days, weeks months until you just give in and conform. There may not even be an argument but their strategy is to wear you down until you give in.
- The Manipulator
This character is one of the worst types in a toxic relationship. They will manipulate and use some of the grinding and guilt tripping tactics to get their way. They use belittling and bullying but in a subtle way.
- The User
Users – especially at the beginning of a relationship – often seem to be very nice, courteous, and pleasant individuals. And they are, as long as they’re getting everything they want from you.
- The Possessive
Possessive partners are a nightmare. Some people naively see possessive behaviour is if the person really cares, but it’s not healthy. Possessive want ownership and control and if they feel their ownership has been threatened then things can turn nasty.
There are as many relationship types as there are colours of the rainbow. A good one is when both people grow together, are happy and provide the right type of environment for children to grow up in.
If you’re talking to someone, whether it’s your partner on a train, sharing a car with a colleague or spending time at a party, there are times when you wonder what on earth you’re going to talk about next. there are some tips that can help. The first set are from Psychology Today, their “Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program (ECCP)” could have broader applicability to any situation in which you find yourself unable to communicate in ways consistent with your wishes. The next set are things that we have found useful from personal experience.
1. Listen to what the other person is saying. If you’re too focused on what you should say next, you’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of you.
2. Express yourself openly and honestly. People can sniff out insincerity pretty well, and if you’re covering up, they’ll feel less like confiding in you.
3. Avoid making judgments. No matter whether the person you’re talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like confiding in you.
4. Look for obvious cues as conversation jumping-off points. People you don’t know that well may reveal features about their interests or background just by what they’re wearing.
5. Stay on top of the news, and store some of it away so that you can chat about it later.
6. Come up with an agenda. Just as meetings run more smoothly with a predetermined set of topics, your social conversations could benefit from similar planning.
7. Don’t be scared by silence. A quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’re become uninteresting. Sometimes a little break can give each of you a chance to refocus.
8. Note whether the other person would like to break off the conversation. To be a better conversation partner, you sometimes need to know when to close as well as to open.
9. Be careful about making jokes that will be perceived as insensitive. You and your partner likely have a somewhat broader range of potentially offensive topics that you can openly discuss than you would with someone you hardly know.
10. Use conversations with new people as practice for improving your skills. The ECCP intervention was focused on married couples, but its principles can be translated to a variety of less intense situations.
11. Start with a comfortable subject and observation – like weather or sport – you can move on from the reply in many directions
12. Make a compliment – they flatter and make people warmer, but be specific and don’t be insincere. Talk about why and then you can move on.
13. Ask a favour – a concept from Ben Franklin – this can make a connection – it doesn’t have to be big.
14. Have a ‘fallback topic’, which is ideally something likely to be of interest to most people. Learn a bit about it.
15. Then don’t lecture on it, but ask questions about what the other person / people think about it.
16. Ask questions in general – don’t interrogate people as that’s intimidating, but asking a question is a good way to start a conversation on a topic. Be careful if the response is curt or short – you may be coming across as nosey!
Most marriage guidance blames relationship breakdown on communication. It cannot be just the way people talk to each other but what types of character we are (see the previous points on personality and character).
On top of these issues, are their other issues that we can add to the mix such as infidelity and lying? No matter how hard a person tries to forgive and forget they sometimes can forgive but rarely forget. If you are communicating with a partner with history there can be many prejudices and emotions under the surface that distort what the other person says.
Having a good relationship with open communication takes two people. It requires both to analyse each other’s style and learn to mould around it. What it isn’t is one or the other backing down and remaining passive or subservient to the other. Psychological bullying and verbally beating a person to submission is becoming a major issue. The subservient person not giving in for fear of beating but for the constant argument and abuse over several days until they have given in and agree just to keep the peace.
Often this type of bullying goes unnoticed and is often in the presence of children. It is subtle and children growing in such an environment can also be come bullies.
Below are 6 tips for communicating better in your relationship:
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
2. Pick Up on non-Verbal Cues
3. Don’t Try to Read Their Mind
4. Conversations are a Two-Way Street
5. Make Time to Talk
6. Tell Them What You Need From Them
Courtesy of OneLove
Is There a Difference Between Sex and Love-Making?
When it comes to having sex, the intimacy has to do with merging your physical needs and body parts with the other partner whereas love making is more about connecting your minds and souls through the act of sexual intercourse.
Isadora Alman from Psychology Today said, one may decide to engage in this act for different purposes, for example, lust, intimacy, boredom, relief, to exert power, to fulfill expectations, baby making, to express love, take comfort, etc. She further goes on to explain that at its best, this act is considered to be one of sharing and intimacy because there is not a more intimate act than letting another one inside a private body part with the goal to share pleasure.
Love and Vulnerability
When two individuals make love, their vulnerability levels are pretty high. This is often a result of sharing emotions and words that they may not have done before. Both persons tend to let their guard down and risk and reward comes into play. During love making, one experiences unique closeness with their partner and finds it difficult to imagine other moments happening without them.
On the other hand, when you are having sex with someone, although the vulnerability still plays a role, it is of a different kind. Namely, one may be afraid of the sexual intercourse not being good or losing the needed chemistry. Also, one may question if his/her sexual needs will be received well or not.
When love is not in the picture but merely getting sexual pleasure, saying goodbye is never a problem and one may be able to move on without necessarily looking for commitment from the other person. However, this is not always the case when you are making love with a person with whom you have found a connection.
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
Having sex and making love are two distinct acts and the former is more associated with getting a quality physical pleasure through proper stimulation whereas making love requires getting both sexual pleasure and love.
Service sex is essentially “not really in the mood but let’s do it anyway,” sex. It may or may not be planned in advance. Experts says service sex is essential to the success of a long-term relationship for three reasons:
• Firstly sexual desire — getting in the mood. Partners regularly say that although they were reluctant at first, once they made the plunge to have sex it was a positive experience.
• Secondly most partners are not matched in their sex drive. One may want it more often than the other, or one may want it when the other doesn’t.
• Thirdly partners need verbal and psychological intimacy before they can have sexual intimacy.
The key points raised here are people need to make time for lovemaking or sex. It’s clear today’s pressures and time constraints on life mean we don’t put effort into other important parts of our love lives.
One could summarise by saying sex Is much more physical and focuses on pleasure gained through physical activity. Love making is taking more time out to do all of the ancillary things around love and caring that take more time and planning.
Fantasy and Reality
Difference between sexual fantasy and reality
Well for many fantasies are just that and are kept to the individual or partner. Those can sometimes be extreme in nature but that’s where it stops and it never gets to reality. Some partners want to go further and put the fantasy into reality.
Well in this case it requires thinking through especially if it involves third parties or doing things whereby you can get caught. There is nothing wrong with turning a legal fantasy into reality provided everyone is truly consenting and not coerced into it.
Pornography is now almost universally available - on phones, computers and tablets. It's no longer a case of 'top shelf' magazines! Can watching porn spice up a sexual relationship, or is it a sad addiction? Who watches porn anyway? How real is it? Is there a balance between a bit of spice and a compulsion?
Multi-partner, Group, threesomes, orgies, are not for everyone and need to be planned otherwise things could backfire. There are people who enjoy these types of sexual gratification but if a partner is reluctant then they should never be coerced or forced. Sex and sex acts do magical things to our bodies naturally but the brain has to remain in control and make sure the act doesn’t turn into an addiction.
Why not take the sex addiction test in the tabs below and see how you get on?
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
There are no Government statistics because sex addiction is not classified as a medical issue but professionals are seeking classification as increasing numbers of people seek out advice. It is estimated that up to 12% of the population could have a secret sexual addiction. Sex addiction is characterised by excessive urges to have sex or engage in other sex-related behaviours, even when such actions may jeopardise your physical health, emotional wellbeing or social standing.
Of course, sexual desires and urges are a normal and healthy part of life. But in the case of sex addiction, these urges become overwhelming and the resultant decisions and actions can be extremely destructive.
Love addiction, which is also widely referred to as ‘co-dependency’, shares many of the same characteristics of sex addiction, although the intrusive thoughts and preoccupations of sexual urges and fantasies tend to be focused on one person, with the aim of repeatedly reliving the initial ‘rush’ of new romance without any desire to progress a relationship further.
Sex addiction and co-dependency are associated with a wide range of signs and symptoms. Whilst there is no single action or behaviour that will definitively establish that you are struggling with sex or love addiction, the symptoms generally fall under the following categories:
The following are among the more common examples of specific signs and symptoms of sex addiction:
- Having persistent and unavoidable sex-related thoughts, urges and fantasies
- Having unsafe sex with multiple partners
- Being incapable of refraining from having sex with others, even when you are involved in a relationship
- Having unprotected sex, anonymous sex, sex in public places or otherwise engaging in sexual behaviours that can obviously jeopardise your health or social wellbeing
- Typically feeling guilty, ashamed or disgusted with yourself after acting on your sexual compulsions
- Spending significant amounts of time viewing pornography
- Trying but being incapable of stopping or significantly reducing any of these behaviours
The following are among the more common examples of specific signs and symptoms of love addiction:
- Mistaking sexual experiences or romantic intensity for genuine intimacy
- Feeling lonely and isolated when not in a relationship
- Missing out on important commitments with friends, family or colleagues to search for a new relationship
- Seeking the euphoric ‘rush’ of a new relationship while in an existing one
- Feigning interest in activities that aren’t enjoyable or manipulating a partner or someone new through sex in order to maintain contact
- Relying on romantic intensity as a way to escape from underlying emotional or mental health difficulties such as depression and stress
A great many psychological factors can contribute to the development of sex addiction – and just as every individual’s psychology is unique, so too is every combination of such factors.
Many people use sex as a form of escapism – from loneliness, sadness and other negative emotions – and this can drive repeated behaviour of the sort likely to develop into an addiction. Low self-esteem is also seen as a critical contributor.
People suffering from depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, learning disabilities and substance abuse disorders are all more likely than the average to develop sex addiction, as are individuals with personality traits including low self-esteem, difficulties sustaining intimacy and relationship stability, insecurity, and a low tolerance for frustration, and people with paraphilia-related disorders.
A study published in 2014 suggested brain activity in “sex addicts” watching porn is similar to that of drug addicts when shown their drug of choice.
In a recent survey 39% of the UK population said they have watched pornography recently. This rises to nearly 50% for adults under 24. Of this group 76% are men watching pornography on the internet, compared with just 36% of women.
A recent study by Marie Claire found that as many as one in three (31%) women watch porn every week, while Pornhub, one of the world’s most popular free sites, recently revealed that women make up more than a quarter (29%) of its global audience.
However, problems start to arise when people get fantasy and reality mixed up.
Porn is a way to delve into your sexual fantasies and discover what turns you on. It’s anonymous, it’s free from rejection, but are there drawbacks to making love to watching porn? We explore the effect porn can have on your brain and how this can affect relationships and your performance.
Porn can actually change the way your brain deals with sexual impulses. Porn stimulates the same part of the brain that addictive drugs do. Watching porn makes you feel good because it releases feel-good hormones and as a result, we watch it over and over again. The problem is, over time, the brain becomes desensitised to what it sees and no longer releases those feel-good hormones so readily. In the same way that drug users, over time, need bigger hits in order to feel high, people watching porn need more and more hardcore stuff to reach the same level of satisfaction. This is where your brain becomes a little one-track minded and your porn habit begins to look more like an addiction.
You might have a problem with porn if your porn habit escalates from a few times a month to daily. Or you’ve noticed the type of porn you’re watching getting increasingly extreme. Or real sex doesn’t give you the same satisfaction that watching porn does.
Watching excessive amounts of porn can also impact on your physical capability to maintain an erection, or you may find a general disinterest in real sex. Bingeing on porn can numb your brain to real-life sex and as a result, weaker signals are sent to the genitals. This can mean erectile dysfunction for men and an inability to feel turned on for women.
What does this mean for my relationship? Sex with real people is great. Unlike virtual sex. With people you get an emotional connection and the pleasure of being touched and touching someone else. Sex with a partner is also great for your mental health. Unfortunately, people who frequently watch porn often find their sex lives becoming a little dull.
So people mix up the two…
Porn can be mutually beneficial and sometimes help service sex, making it a little easier to get things started, especially in today’s lifestyles. The brain is flexible and can be retrained away from excessive porn usage and you have the power to beat your obsession with porn and have great sex once more. Here are somethings that may help:
o Watch porn with your partner not alone, choose something you both like
o Don’t let it rule the event merely kick start it
o If you are on your own and the urge comes on, try exercise. This releases endorphins and other feel-good hormones.
o If you are alone try sex without porn. Use your imagination rather than porn, after all you only choose porn because it’s so freely available.
o Talk to your partner. If you feel your sex life is getting a bit boring, open up the conversation. Ask your partner what turns them on and perhaps try something new.
SexDrive takes a brief look at extensions of sexual activity such as BDSM. For many years people thought it was shameful and a bit sick and people who did it were weird. But research has indicated that BDSM people are in many ways normal and suffer no more mental health issues than straight sex people. There is always a caveat to this in that dominants tend to be very extravert and willing to try new things but submissives could be coerced into carrying out the act. The key and important point is average and extreme. With all sexual deviations if it’s gentle, nobody gets hurt and people are doing it freely then people can do as they wish. But extreme BDSM can get out of control physically and psychologically and that’s dangerous.
Group, dogging, exhibitionism, swinging are all practiced quite openly in the UK and many people enjoy these activities. Again, if people are doing these practices freely and nobody is hurt or injured and it’s not illegal then so be it. But research has indicated that a lot of people participating in these activities do have mental health issues and use the practice to overcome things like low self-esteem and insecurity. Exhibitionism Is classed as a mental health disorder. The interesting point here is it usually isn’t a dirty old man in a raincoat. The offenders are late teens to early thirties and are serial repeat offenders.
Whatever you’re into and whatever your gender enjoying a good sex life and relationship is not easy to do with the modern world we live in. You have to, and I know it goes against the grain to many, but you have to put effort into a relationship and a good sex life. It is basic instinct for most but to have a good sex life and relationship you need to make the effort.
Do Dating Sites Work?
Browsing profiles isn’t nearly as time-consuming (or daunting) as mixing with people in a social context. Statistics suggest that about 1 in 5 relationships begin online nowadays. It’s estimated that by 2040, 70% of us will have met our significant other online. However, how do people find these sites?
Most men aren’t bothered whether the women are damaged by previous relationships they just want sex.
Most women are fed up of dick pics and men stood in their shorts holding a fish
People lie on their online dating profiles - 44% did admit to lying in their online profile. In both the US and UK samples, dishonesty declined with age.:Some of the sites shroud the person so you cannot view them. How does that work? Also, many accounts are very old.The site owners rarely want to tell you where there is a lack of candidates and use old or frozen profiles of attractive people to contact you.
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
Looking for a relationship? That must mean all you want is sex
One of the big problems with online dating for women is that, although there are genuine relationship-seeking men on the sites, there are also plenty of guys on there simply looking for sex. While most people would agree that on average men are more eager for sex than women, it seems that many men make the assumption that if a woman has an online dating presence, she’s interested in sleeping with relative strangers.
Let’s be honest, the internet is really just a super elaborate and sophisticated farce designed to distract you from having your pockets picked by greasy conmen in cheap suits, right? Not quite, but it is full of unscrupulous vendors looking to separate you from your money by whatever means.
Never mind the fact that more than one-third of all people who use online dating sites have never actually gone on a date with someone they met online, those that somehow do manage to find someone else they are willing to marry and who is willing to marry them (a vanishingly tiny subset of online daters) face an uphill battle. According to research conducted at Michigan State University, relationships that start out online are 28% more likely to break down in their first year than relationships where the couple’s first met face-to-face. And it gets worse. Couples who met online are nearly three times as likely to get divorced as couples that met face-to-face.
Very few read the narratives before contacting a partner which means they are shallow and looking for a physical relation and don’t really care what they think.
Gender Explosion
From the 1960s gender differences have begun to emerge but who is driving this change? This is not clear but in the last 2 to 3 years large media corporations seem to be championing the cause. The Royal College of General Practitioners recognises six genders in a recent position statement. These are male, female, gender-neutral, non-binary, gender-fluid and gender-queer. But the BBC are stating in many of their programme that there are 100 to 132.
Although the terms sex and gender are often used interchangeably, they, in fact, have distinct meanings. Sex is a classification based on biological differences—for example, differences between males and females rooted in their anatomy or physiology. By contrast, gender is a classification based on the social construction (and maintenance) of cultural distinctions between males and females. Gender refers to “a social construct regarding culture-bound conventions, roles, and behaviours for, as well as relations between and among, women and men, boys and girls” Krieger.
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
The proportion of the UK population aged 16 years and over identifying as heterosexual or straight is 94.6% in 2018.
The proportion identifying as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) increased 2.2% in 2018.
In 2018, there were an estimated 1.2 million people aged 16 years and over identifying as LGB against a population aged over 16 years of 51 million.
According to ONS there are between 200,000 and 500,000 trans people in the UK. But this cannot be confirmed.
Let take a look at some of the genders.
Agender – A person who identifies as agender might experience an “absence of any gender feelings or affiliation”.
Gender nonconforming – Gender nonconforming is an umbrella term that includes “anyone or anything that challenges gender expectations. In other words, gender nonconforming people “challenge and subvert gender stereotypes and expectations”
Sex – Sex often refers to what doctors (and society) assign a person at birth based on their genitals, whether male or female.
Gender – Gender is a social construct, meaning something that was created by humanity, complete with its own set of “rules” and expectations.
Cisgender – Cis, which is short for “cisgender,” refers to people whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
Cishet – Cishet is short for “cisgender heterosexual,” or someone who is both cis and straight.
Transgender – Trans is an abbreviation of “transgender” and refers to someone whose gender does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
Gender fluid – Someone who is gender fluid feels that their gender can change and vary over time. People who are gender fluid find themselves moving between different gender presentations and identifications.
Genderqueer – A person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.
Non-binary – Non-binary is an umbrella term for people whose gender is not just male or female, non-binary is anyone.
Orientation – Sexual orientation is completely separate from gender identity. One refers to who you’re attracted to, while the other refers to your gender.
Well, it does to the 2% but what about the 94%? The general consensus is live and let live. The LGBT community in the UK accepts the majority of the UK are tolerant, but there is always the minority who are -IST, they are likely to be -IST in any form, racist, fattist, tallist, shortist, ugli-ist, homophobic etc.
Most normal people would agree that discrimination of any sort is not right under any circumstances and in any form, but there are sections of the community who will prejudice against a range of factors. This is human nature in many instances. The UK government are legislating in law against IST behaviour to protect sections of society but how far do they go?
Many might say it should be a criminal offence to prejudice against anyone because of their gender. The BBC for some strange reason seems to be wanting to force opinion and subject the UK population to propaganda with their 132 gender types, when the Government has accepted there are 6. Is this likely to steer emotions and a backlash from the 94% who up to this stage are happy to conform?
The UK seems to be obsessed with labels and tags. We are seeing this in mental health, food standards, gender, LGBT, ethnicity, medical etc.
We seem to be obsessed with getting a tag or label. Maybe it’s because we want to feel part of a group.
Let take a look at vegetarians:
Lacto-ovo vegetarian: No meat, poultry, seafood, or meat products (such as gelatin, broths, gravy and lard). These vegetarians will still eat eggs and dairy products.
Lacto-vegetarian: No meat (as above) plus no eggs or products containing eggs.
Vegan: No meats or eggs plus no milk, dairy foods.
Pescatarian: the only meat eaten is fish; they still consume eggs and dairy.
Beegan: vegan, with honey included in diet.
Flexitarian: eat mostly plant foods, but include small amounts of meat in the diet.
Vegan before 6pm: follow a vegan diet until 6pm daily.
Is it really important? I am sure Beegans might think so. Even Google does not pick up beegans as a word. We have Brexit, Frexit, Grecxit and now Covidiots. Most normal logical people think clearly someone has nothing better to do with their time.
Live and let live
The reality of life is gender and sexual preference is a humanistic trait. Allowing freedom of expression and beliefs is the basis of civilised society. Humans have good and bad traits and everyone has some form of subconscious prejudice over something or someone, it’s human behaviour.
Respect is the one of the most undervalued words created but it means so much and is the foundation of modern life. Respect spans all types everything and if we apply the word respect to things we do, say, think, feel then the world will become a better place.
Sexual Issues and Mental Health
In 2018, over 2.63 million individuals went to a sexual health clinic in England..
A third (32%) of UK adults said they had experienced a sexual problem such as loss of desire or problems keeping or maintaining an erection. Women were more likely to say they had experienced a sexual problem than men (37% compared to 26%). RELATE:
1 in 5 (19%) say low libido or differing sex drives is placing a strain on their relationship.
47% of relationship counsellors and sex therapists have seen a rise in relationship problems linked to pornography in the last year.
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
A new study of 1,000 men from Experts from online Doctor-4-U found 33 per cent of men in England had experienced premature ejaculation in the last twelve months.
The same problem affects women with a recent study showing that up to 40% of women complain they orgasm too quickly within a couple of minutes. Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.
If you’re suffering premature issues don’t leave it. Talk to your partner. There are millions of people in the same boat. Read our links or seek advice from one of our experts.
Researchers polled 2,000 men for Coop Pharmacy and found largest affected age group of men with erectile dysfunction is those in their thirties, with half (50%) reporting difficulties getting or maintaining an erection. This compares to 42% in their 40s, 41% in their 50s, and 35% of under 30s.
The key is not to panic, millions of men and women suffer with issues such as getting and maintaining an erection or orgasming. There are masses of information and help once you have done your homework.
Most men think it does but according to research women think it doesn’t. The big issue here is it’s all relative. Some women have small vaginas and would struggle with a large penis and vice versa. Some women having had 3 to 4 children may very well prefer a large man.
Penis size doesn’t matter to most women’s sexual satisfaction. If only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, then for most women, penis size doesn’t matter. The fact is, any size penis can provide great pleasure to the man it’s attached to. But the key to most women’s erotic pleasure comes not from the penis and intercourse. The key to this is both parties being happy with size both ways, and then it’s what you do that counts, not size.
These are the most common reasons for not having sex;
Mental health is a very important part of sexual health, in the same way that physical health is. Research shows people who are suffering with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, stress or low self-esteem are unlikely to perform well sexually due to their state of the mind.
Sexual wellness brand LELO put together a Sex Census based on research over 2020 and found that 12% of those surveyed haven’t had an intimate sexual experience (be it a kiss or sexual intercourse)
By the end of 2020, over 33% of those surveyed said stress, depression and anxiety were affecting them sexually.
Tiredness is the factor that just edges mental health, as over 35.7% said this was the main roadblock in their sex lives, as the boundaries of work and home life have been increasingly blurred over the last year.
Mental Health – 33.6% of people said poor mental health was preventing them from having a fulfilling sex life. With 57% of people not feeling in the mood for sex, it’s clearly a common experience.
Negative body image – 25% of those surveyed said body image and a lack of body confidence impacted on them. Those aged under 35 were most likely to feel this, as nearly a third reported these concerns.
Low libido – 19.4% worry this has affected their sex life. It’s important to remember that your expectations around other people’s sex lives are usually going to be far from the reality. It’s best to just do what feels right for you.
Ageing – As the body ages it’s going to physically change (which is likely to have a psychological impact too), and 18.3% of people say this impacts their sex lives. Men experience a decrease in testosterone.
Work pressure – 16.1% of people said work was leaking into their home and personal lives, with technology acting as a ‘tired wheel’ in a relationship. When work pressures are high, it affects our ability to switch off and not feel distracted. Feeling in the moment during sex is likely to suffer.
Menopause – The menopause comes with a range of symptoms that can impact mood, plus the body’s physical responses and arousal process. Symptoms vary person to person. 14.5% of women surveyed said the menopause was getting in the way of their sex lives. Gynaecologists say common signs of the menopause include night sweats, vaginal dryness, pain during sex, and joint or muscle pain.
Medication – 12.6% said medications they were taking affected how they felt sexually. Common medications include SSRIs (widely used antidepressant) which for some might affect their sex drive.
At any age, emotional issues can affect your sexuality. Many older couples report greater satisfaction with their sex life because they have fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and no worries about pregnancy.
On the other hand, some older adults feel stressed by health problems, financial concerns and other lifestyle changes. Depression can decrease your desire for and interest in sex. If you feel you might be depressed, talk to your doctor or a counsellor.
Senior lovemaking tips
Sex may not be the same for you or your partner as it was when you were younger. But sex and intimacy can continue to be a rewarding part of your life. Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy and enjoyable sex life:
Talk with your partner. Even if it’s difficult to talk about sex, openly sharing your needs, desires and concerns can help you both enjoy sex and intimacy more.
Visit your doctor. Your doctor can help you manage chronic conditions and medications that affect your sex life. If you have trouble maintaining an erection, ask your doctor about treatments.
See a sex therapist. A therapist may be able to help you and your partner with specific concerns. Ask your doctor for a referral.
Expand your definition of sex. Intercourse is only one way to have a fulfilling sex life. Try touching, kissing and other intimate contact.
Find new ways to enjoy sexual contact and intimacy. As you age, it’s normal for you and your partner to have different sexual abilities and needs.
Adapt your routine. Simple changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day you have sex to a time when you have the most energy. Try the morning.
Take more time to set the stage for romance. Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, try a new sexual position or explore other ways of connecting romantically and sexually.
Don’t give up on romance. If you’ve lost your partner, it can be difficult to imagine starting another relationship — but socializing is well worth the effort for many single seniors. No one outgrows the need for emotional closeness and intimacy.
Eat a healthy diet. Exercise regularly. Don’t drink too much alcohol. Don’t smoke.
Things will change…
Sex in later life doesn’t need to be different to when you were younger. Although you may need to make some adjustments, getting older doesn’t mean giving up on sex.
Many older people enjoy an active sex life, and why not? Your sexual health is an important aspect of your overall wellbeing. Sex releases chemicals, called endorphins, which lift your mood. This can help to relieve stress and make you happier.
Most men develop erection problems as they get older. The cause can be physical or psychological but can often be alleviated by simple lifestyle changes, such as losing weight or stopping smoking.
Some people find that these changes cause a lack of confidence in the bedroom. Our society places great emphasis on looking young in order to be attractive and this can lead some older people to feel that they are no longer desirable. But you can be confident and attractive at any age.
Reduced sexual desire can be due to a number of reasons including falling levels of sex hormones in both men and women, age-related health problems and side effects of medications. Problems with sexual desire can lead to one or both partners feeling disappointed or rejected.
Here are some patterns of men’s and women’s sex drives that researchers have found. Bear in mind that people may vary from these norms.
Men think more about sex.
The majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of women say they think about it that frequently. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.
Men seek sex more avidly.
“Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it,” Roy Baumeister concludes after reviewing several surveys of men and women. This isn’t just true of heterosexuals, he says. Gay men also have sex more often than lesbians at all stages of the relationship. Men also say they want more sex partners in their lifetime, and are more interested in casual sex. Men are more likely to seek sex even when it’s frowned upon or even outlawed.
About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though about half also say they feel guilty about it. By contrast, about 40% of women say they masturbate, and the frequency of masturbation is lower among women.
Women’s sexual turn-ons are more complicated than men.
What turns women on? Not even women always seem to know. Northwestern University researcher Meredith Chivers and colleagues showed erotic films to gay and straight men and women. They asked them about their level of sexual arousal, and also measured their actual level of arousal through devices attached to their genitals.
For men, the results were predictable: Straight men said they were more turned on by depictions of male-female sex and female-female sex, and the measuring devices backed up their claims. Gay men said they were turned on by male-male sex, and again the devices backed them up. For women, the results were more surprising. Straight women, for example, said they were more turned on by male-female sex. But genitally they showed about the same reaction to male-female, male-male, and female-female sex.
“Men are very rigid and specific about who they become aroused by, who they want to have sex with, who they fall in love with,” says J. Michael Bailey. He is a Northwestern University sex researcher and co-author with Chivers on the study.
By contrast, women may be more open to same-sex relationships thanks to their less-directed sex drives, Bailey says. “Women probably have the capacity to become sexually interested in and fall in love with their own sex more than men do,” Bailey says. “They won’t necessarily do it, but they have the capacity.”
Bailey’s idea is backed up by studies showing that homosexuality is a more fluid state among women than men. In another broad review of studies, Baumeister found many more lesbians reported recent sex with men, when compared to gay men’s reports of sex with women. Women were also more likely than men to call themselves bisexual, and to report their sexual orientation as a matter of choice.
Women’s sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors.
In his review, Baumeister found studies showing many ways in which women’s sexual attitudes, practices, and desires were more influenced by their environment than men:
Women’s attitudes toward (and willingness to perform) various sexual practices are more likely than men to change over time.
Women who regularly attend church are less likely to have permissive attitudes about sex. Men do not show this connection between church attendance and sex attitudes.
Women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex.
Women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices (such as oral sex); education made less of a difference with men.
Women were more likely than men to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities such as premarital sex and their actual behaviour.
Why are women’s sex drives seemingly weaker and more vulnerable to influence? Some have theorized it’s related to the greater power of men in society, or differing sexual expectations of men when compared to women. Laumann prefers an explanation more closely tied to the world of sociobiology.
Women experience orgasms differently than men
Men, on average, take 4 minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation, according to Edward Laumann. Women usually take around 10 to 11 minutes to reach orgasm — if they do.
That’s another difference between the sexes: how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among men who are part of a couple, 75% say they always have an orgasm, as opposed to 26% of the women. And not only is there a difference in reality, there’s one in perception, too. While the men’s female partners reported their rate of orgasm accurately, the women’s male partners said they believed their female partners had orgasms 45% of the time.
Keeping Your Relationship Strong
How can you keep your relationship strong?
Relationships are all about human connection done through love and understanding.
But without proper relationship rules, it can turn out to be rather difficult to keep that connection strong…
We believe the first rule to keep a relationship strong is to treat your loved one with respect. You have to respect their time, heart, character and, of course, their trust; you should also expect to receive the same amount of respect back..
Another key rule is communication - this is the key to happiness and a peaceful life. The problem is that not everyone knows how to express how they feel - at least many people don't find it easy. It's important to express the positive stuff - talk about love, express admiration and offer compliments. It's also important to talk about the negative stuff - avoiding discussing arguments won't make the problems go away. See CommunicationDrive for some ideas.
NEVER compare your life to others. It's too easy with social media to get hooked on watching others' perfect lives - you aren't seeing anything underneath the veneer! Focus on keeping your relationship strong and don't worry about anyone else.
Make an effort! If you want your relationship to stay strong it's worth working at.
Do things that make you bond together. Spend time interacting, not just watching TV together. This includes making love! Having great (or even nice) sex is a great habit to get into!
Click on any of the tabs on the right to see more information
It turns out that long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and eye contact during love making aren’t just romantic hyperbole. They’re all part of the fantasy of being desired, intimate, and romantic.
There are so many ways to improve a sexual relationship but communication is the only way to see if fantasy remains in the head rather than in reality.
There are different ways to keep things fun and exciting in the bedroom. Try any of these techniques to keep sex with your spouse satisfying for both of you.
Meaningful Communication
Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital relationship, so talk with one another more! Share your innermost thoughts and feelings with one another regularly. Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery.
Talk About Your Feelings
Talk openly and share your sexual desires. Be open and honest about what you want. You don’t want to use this time to be critical of your partner. Just assert what you want in the bedroom and what makes you feel good. Talk with one another about your expectations concerning lovemaking. False or unmet expectations can hurt your marriage. If your expectations are not being met by your partner, communicate this tactfully and sensitively.
Make a plan for romance
When life becomes busy and schedules are hectic, plan for romance with one another. Scheduling sex because of children is a dreadful thing and that’s exactly what it is just sex. Love making needs a head of steam. Make time for romance that can result in sex. Flirting throughout the day or specifying a weekend away. Try to set the mood in advance.
Romance is totally linked with good sexual activity. You cannot expect good sex if outside the bedroom you’re not even remotely romantic. It does not need to be sickly but making a gesture or doing something to someone else to show them you care and love them makes all the difference.
Hold hands and show affection. Women particularly need to feel loved and connected in order to have the desire for sex. Make time for date nights and other novel activities together and be open to trying new things. Learn to massage and soak in the tub together with a bottle of something.
Cook a special meal together and dance together to your favourite music.
Reignite your dopamine with a fresh experience. Do something new that creates a sense of bonding and intimacy. Think outside of the box.
Go on a romantic overnight getaway.
Who’s in charge? Flipping the switch with who’s in charge during lovemaking is another fun game that will enable each to act out what really turns then on. Then swap.
Try introducing a few toys into the bedroom that both parties want to share.
Bring Tantra into your bedroom; Tantra is Sanskrit for weaving the energy between lovers. It emphasizes a very deep level of physical and emotional sexual connection.
Breathing is a big part of Tantra. It’s the number one thing you need to be mindful of when you’re practicing Tantric sex. You want it to be cyclical. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Pay attention to the noises you make during lovemaking. Why are you keeping your voice down? Do you feel comfortably letting out a loud moan when a touch fills you up? Explore the sounds you make.
Keep the element of surprise alive – find new and different ways to surprise your partner (pleasantly!) – this will stop you getting into a rut.
Develop your hopes and dreams together over time. Spend time discussing this, and let your goals develop and grow. Ask each other what you want – has it changed?
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How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
An engaging view of the history and evolution of sex. “Read this book and discover sex again, but from a scientific perspective, and see why it evolved. It’s almost as much fun, and needs less energy.”
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How to Have a Good Marriage
A Practical Manual and Communication Techniques for Happy Relationships and Successful Marriages
IF YOU WANT TO SAVE A RELATIONSHIP, THEN KEEP READING…
Misunderstandings, quarrels, screams, divorce…?
It is not too late, this book can help you!
When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong:
Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come
Are you ready to turn your rocky relationships into rewarding ones? If you want to turn your life and your relationships around, don’t wait any longer. Take the first step and read this book today.
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Creating A Fulfilling Relationship
Ways To Deeper Connection, Intimacy, & Trust For All Couples: How To Create A Healthy And Happy Relationship With Your Partner
Love is amazing. It’s not only what makes the world go round, but it’s probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human.
Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction
A comprehensive guide for people who struggle with sex addiction and those who want to help them
Support and advice for both the clinician and for those who suffer from sex addiction
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Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating
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Bestselling writer and funny lady Margot Starbuck found herself venturing into the unknown waters of online dating – see what she found.
Person-Centred Counselling for Trans and Gender Diverse People: A Practical Guide
Trans clients are frequently doubted, misunderstood, infantilised and judged by professionals, and this book presents an approach that ensures psychological wellbeing and trust is built between counsellor and client
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The Sex Drive Solution for Women Keeping Your Relationship Strong
Dr. Jen doesn’t only talk about weight management, renewed energy and sexual vitality for women over 40 – she is a living, breathing example that all of that and more are possible
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The Men’s Health Big Book of Sex
Your Authoritative, Red-Hot Guide to the Sex of Your Dreams
The editors of Men’s Health magazine bring you scientifically proven expert tips, intensely researched studies, and doctor-approved advice.
Kama Sutra Sex
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Healthline have tips on couples having better sex
The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity
YoungMinds have a good article on gender and mental health
The Mayo Clinic have information on premature ejaculation
NHS info on premature ejaculation
NHS info on women’s orgasm issues
MBC Psychiatry have an article on gender differences
Entrepreneur offer 14 ways to improve your skills
Healthline have info on sex addiction
Verywellminds have an article on the symptoms of sex addiction
If you’re concerned you may have a sexually transmitted disease, see symptoms (Mayo Clinic)
